As a child I was once surrounded by faces peering at me so I hid under the bedclothes. This continued for a while till all of a sudden it stopped. Later I was to learn that these were entities from beyond this realm coming in to help me with my fears. They stopped because they could see they were making matters worse. Many such things happen to children including talking to imaginary friends. I say this because I wish to normalize events such as this and convey that they are nothing to be worried about.
I had a few other instances of intuition as I got older but like most of us I put them to one side thinking that’s part of life and really giving it no credence.
One such incident happened in my early twenties towing a speedboat with the engine cocked up so the propeller blade hung over the back. Waiting to turn right I saw 4 pints of beer floating in front of me and somehow I knew the driver of the vehicle behind had one too many. Turning down the hill I was suddenly taken to give a sharp left swing up and on to the pavement. The boat bobbed up and down and I got a filthy look from some passengers waiting in a queue for the roundabout. The next thing I heard was a bang – the drunk driver had hit the car I should have pulled up behind. It seemed incredible to me at the time – I was some what aghast – if I had been behind the last car in the queue the outboard engine would have passed through the windscreen of the mini cooper now crumpled in the waiting traffic.
Not unusual you might think and you’re right we all have moments when things “seem to happen” for the better or worse as if in slow motion or devoid of time and thinking. Lets put that aside as I did – just one of those things as life carries on. Things happen and sometimes there seems no pattern or reason behind them.
Well so I thought for quite a while until one of my sons died when I was in my middle thirties. You can’t see anything when you are wrapped up in such an experience. It’s awful, absolutely awful for you and all those around you. You’re hit by this wave of emotion that runs back and forth as if it scours you down to a small object. Everyone is struggling to come to terms with the situation then you’re flooded with “why” and “what’s the point of life?” “What you have only gets taken away from you”- a series of permanent withdrawals from the bank of the soul. Utter devastation, no reason to live other than to exist for others.
Now then around this time something big did happen and it happened to change my mind. On several occasions I had a series of what I would call experiences of light or as light moments. Different coloured lights, intense stillness and calmness – warmth and some sort of clarity wrapped up in a feeling of love. I wasn’t sure what was happening but it felt good. It was fleeting yes but I had the sense it would come again. It did time and time again.
I was later to learn that communication channels were being opened up. I was receiving all sorts of information – like downloading from the Internet with a limited processor unable to fathom out what was going on.
Through some special guidance I was taught that all these things were normal and that a process of discovery had started. What it all meant I had no idea at the time – I do now. The discovery was to realize I was on a path to find “me” because I had become lost from myself. That may sound rather strange terminology but it will become clearer. I didn’t know who I really was, a bunch of feelings and thoughts all bundled together – that was it right!
How wrong I was like Alice, the rabbit hole goes very deep once you tumble into it.
So you may ask what am I alluding to? Well something greater, something I had not known before – me. That may sound egocentric or delusional but its not when you question if you are. That was the whole point of the exercises that were to follow on – questioning everything. Every thought round and round, very few answers, nothing making sense. Well paradox doesn’t make sense does it – its just paradox and that’s what I was going through at the time. There comes a point when the thoughts and questions become mind numbingly tedious. It just didn’t stop.
Only now when I look back can I see that this was a slow process because my processor wasn’t up to it.
Bang then bang I got an upgrade – when I stopped struggling things fell into place. Strange as that may sound its how it happened . Like when we wake up in the morning we can have a problem solved or a composer has a new song in his or her head.
So what we are talking about is a lot more than intuition, a bigger processor and hard drive. That’s all fine and dandy but where is all this information coming from it can’t be me can it? Well it was and it wasn’t much like the answer to a situation can be yes and no when it resides in duality. Confused? Well I was but I was at last beginning to get to grips with the fact that this was a process and it had its own way of working or unfolding. If I tried to bend it to me it didn’t work. Glimmers of some clarity were forming and through these I was able to travel. Well not literally in the physical sense but like a clear view out through a room filled with fog. These windows were everywhere at the same time – superimposed on the landscape, the landscape of this world was the fog and there were spaces within it.
It was clear I wasn’t off my trolley, I was functioning normally, life got on and when I didn’t want to experience such things I didn’t. They came when I wanted and boy did I need them.
So imagination – is it creative intuitive or is it fantasy? To find out which was which is easier said than done. The point with imagination is – is it wishful thinking, is it real or is it intuition or a reaction to deep held fears and thus a distorted thought? It became clearer and I learnt to trust what was information or wishful thinking.
Soon I was hearing things as well as seeing them. I met various spirit guides – spirits like you and me who were discarnate and unconstrained by the limits of the human collective consciousness. They were free of duality and not blinded by it. I tested them out at times arguing my point only to receive replies that were so astounding and logical it left me speechless or on many other occasions shouting yes, yes of course thats it.
A wondrous world had opened up. Often I would sit at my desk writing and drawing images and diagrams of the things I was being shown. It’s rather like being in two places with the physical body still here.
At other times I could see and talk with dead relatives and anyone else that might have something relevant to say for them or me. However my guides restricted this (by agreement with me) because they explained there was a big task ahead – that of learning more about me and ‘the way of things’. A lot was about personal development for example if I had a thought, a problem or a dysfunction I could be shown it in its ‘energetic form’. I could then work on it to find out what the problem was. Often it would be an aspect of me either in shadow self or a part that wished to be separate from the whole of me.
Of course I could not be separated from my ‘Whole’ it was only one part feeling separate from the rest. None of us are “lost” even if we might think it. It is one of many experiences and it depends on how big we let it become – how much energy we give it.
Often when I sat I might have two competing thoughts fighting with one another. The task would be to resolve these and bring harmony and expand that place they once held as battlefield. As soon as this happened a peace would descend and the duality faded away. This space was then filled with more light and energy
I had to do some deep soul searching and would be presented with anyone who I had hurt intentionally or not and make peace with them. I could bring them into focus and converse with them at their energetic level. Together we would resolve why we both had that experience. It worked the other way as well with people that had harmed me. The depth of rationale behind all these things and the sponsoring reasons took away any residual pain on each side. By doing all these things my shadow self began to shrink. I’m not saying it’s all complete just that it was part of a healing process.
Time and time again I was presented with aspects of myself that were troubled or thought they did not need help and took the stance they knew best. Some would try to frighten me off but I was only presented with these facets in an order so that I could come to terms with them. Guides would make sure by what they said and what I encountered that I would not run before I could walk.
The trust that was built up I find hard to explain. Our path walking and conversations had such depth; candor and no subject or feeling of shame or guilt was out of bounds. There was never any judgment, only a gentle firmness, mutual love and respect.
The guides that were most around had different backgrounds, past cultures and races, which was the form they took to present themselves. This was either their last incarnation or the way they just liked to be. At times they introduced others who had deeper understandings and experience on certain matters.
One who came to reinforce a particular point (that I was having trouble with) was a Chinese mandarin sage. Green robed with gold ribbon edges with traditional hat and shoes. I remember his words to this day.
“To every problem there is a solution, the solution may be palatable or unpalatable but there is always a solution. Thereby we can see life is a series of solutions. But that is not good enough for the way you treat yourself. You say for solutions to exist problems co-exist as a counterpart so problems are never gone. That is because you view life through the fact some of it is a problem for you. I tell you this with all that I can muster – life is neither a problem nor a solution for to exceed their bonds is to see life as a series of events by which to experience the unfolding of love”.
That was quite a while ago but it did have a dramatic effect it bounced me out of that deeply engrained cycle of thought.
In the beginning my life was filled with many fears and distorted ways of thinking but now I can say it feels so much softer. I would say I am grateful for all the help but Antemedi (my present guide) reminds me it’s a two way street. That what they do brings enormous joy for them and it feels the most important loving thing they can be.
I wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong impression from this partially fulfilled story. I am not special; there are many more people with deeper openings of awareness. That doesn’t make them special either. We are all equal and special at the same time loved more than we could ever know.
This process has impacted on those close to me and has not been easy for them. Coming to terms with someone who is the same but slightly altered brings its own challenges.
That I think is about all – another day beckons so I wonder what that will unfold.